Being a lesbian in Kenya
A lonely woman's struggle in patriarchal and conservative Kenya
donderdag 20 augustus 2015
vrijdag 5 juli 2013
The abused lesbian child in the adult woman
About a sweet but hurting little girl in a
woman’s body
Tendai is a poor sweet and likable girl in a woman’s body who has put up such
excellent defences that hardly anyone would guess that inside she is hurting,
confused, ashamed, feeling abused and guilty at the same time. She has been a player in an intense emotional and sexual family drama full of complex interplays between past and present, kindness and pain, love and hurt, care and abuse.
The players in the family drama
The main players in this family drama are:
The mother: An immature woman who tries to get her way by means of manipulation and passie aggressive methods. psychologically and sometimes physically abused her
husband and daughter.
The father: Because of his troubled background the father in which he suffered emotional and sexual abuse he was unable to stand his ground against the excesses of his wife. He often justified her behaviour and failed to protect himself and his three daughters against the mothers' controlling and abusive behavior.
The daughter: Seeing their
father abused and humiliated the daughter tried to be extra nice, kind and
affirming to him, at times even protecting and defending him against her mother which menat that she became the prime target of mothers' efforts to humiliate and subdue.
Unfortunately the father having been sexually abused in his childhood responded
to the daughter in a sexual manner which was not always unwelcome to the
daughter who also sought affirmation of her female identity.
She also needed to feel
loved and appreciated and instead of protecting his daughter the father ended up
abusing her. While abuse was not his intention and to the daughter may not have felt like abuse at first it still damaged her. Even if she initiated it, or participated in it voluntarily for some time, she is still a victim. Now many years later this poor girl is still wrestling with conflicting
emotions and unable to have a stable relationship. In the meantime the whole family is suffering in a conspiracy
of silence, the abused, the abuser and the not-so-innocent bystander. Because
none of the family members have been able to break free from the conspiracy of
silence the dysfunctional family system is still unchallenged and ready to
perpetuate itself and make more innocent victims and change them into
perpetrators themselves.
You may wonder why this girl does not come out in the open with her story so that she can find the inner healing and freedom she so longs for?
Many sexual
abuse survivors find it difficult to come into the open not only because of
fear or family loyalty, but because they somehow feel responsible for the
abuse. They may have trouble dealing
with the fact that their body was sexually stimulated and felt aroused during
the abuse. They may feel guilty and ashamed that they responded to the
stimulation, and confused about why they did.
They may
have enjoyed some of the bodily sensations that came from the sexual stimulation,
but at the same time feel guilty, ashamed, and/or secretive about that fact
because they believe – or fear – that it means there is something wrong with
them because they were “not supposed” to feel that way. These survivors often
keep their experience a secret for fear that no one will understand how they
could have liked some parts of it. But what they liked was their body’s own
natural responses; not the fact that it was abuse.
In all
cases, if a survivor found some of the stimulation during the abuse
pleasurable, it does not mean that it was not abuse, that they weren’t hurt by
it, that it wasn’t serious, or that it had less impact. Abuse is abuse,
regardless of how the victim’s body responded.
The impact
of having been sexually stimulated or aroused during abuse is rarely addressed,
and when it is it is given minimal attention. One reason why this is such a
neglected subject is that we live in a culture that is uncomfortable with the
thought that children can have sexual feelings at all, let alone during abuse.
Many people like to think that children are asexual, and believe that those who
suggest otherwise are sexual perverts. To further suggest that children who are
sexually abused might experience some sexual arousal is to risk being viewed as
promoting sexual abuse, or at very least minimizing it. But how are we to help
survivors deal with this issue unless we are prepared to talk about it while
not minimizing the abuse?
Just as it
is shocking for many people to think that sexual abuse could lead a child to
feel aroused or to feel pleasure in their body, it is equally, or perhaps more
shocking, to survivors themselves to acknowledge this. Many survivors suffer
about this issue in silence, wondering if their body’s feelings and reactions
meant that they liked, wanted, caused, or encouraged the abuse, or worse, made
them as bad as the abuser. They may end of hating their bodies and switch-off
during sex so that they cannot derive any pleasure from it.
It is not
true that “sexual abuse isn’t so bad because the victim happened to like it”.
Feeling sexual aroused in the context of abuse does not mean that the abuse was
okay, nor that the abuse did not negatively effect the victim. Given that
children can feeling sexual feelings and can be sexual stimulated during abuse,
it’s understandable that some children like the feelings of sexual arousal that
can happen during abuse. They enjoy the sexual response and feelings generated
by their bodies reactions and sensations, and perhaps even how the perpetrator
treated them. If they sensed that the abuser did not intend to harm them and
gave them genuine attention and kindness, the abuse may not have felt like
abuse and may have felt very enjoyable.
However, instinctively the body knows it is not ready for sex yet and
may generate feelings of shame and aversion which are actually feelings
generated to protect us and not to harm us.
This creates inner confusion between pleasure on the one hand and
aversion and shame on the other hand.
The solution to this confusion of feelings may be not-to-feel anything
in the form of disassociation.
How does
the adult survivor reconcile the reality that her/his body did feel sexual when
they “weren’t supposed” to? They feel aversion and shame and may direct it at
themselves a aversion for their own bodies and feeling guilty. They may feel “sick” and “bad”. If you are a
survivor and your body responded to the sexual stimulation during the abuse,
it’s important to find positive ways to reconcile that reality within yourself
and let go of the wrong conclusion that you are “sick” or “bad,” or “guilty”.
The first step is to acknowledge to yourself
how your body felt. Also talk to someone you trust to reduce some of the guilt,
shame, isolation, and secrecy. If you
feel judgmental about yourself, remember that feelings are simply feelings,
nothing more. They are not facts or statements; they do not truly say anything
about you or anyone else, other than you are a fully feeling human being. It’s
normal to experience a range of feelings during abuse, and one of those
feelings may be sexual. It might help to remember the other feelings you felt
during or after the abuse, because you did not simply feel sexual feelings, but
you also probably felt betrayal, sadness, fear, confusion, and hurt, even if
you did not realize it at the time and might have suppressed them.
In dealing with tehse conflicting eelings and trying to make sense of these consider the following:
1) The arousal you experienced was a physiological reaction that had less to
do with the perpetrator than with your own body’s natural responses
2) Some of the arousal may have been a natural response to the fact
that you considered the relationship with the perpetrator to be important, and
so it also contributed to how you felt.
3) You may have even liked/loved the
perpetrator, had a friendly relationship with her/him, felt taken care of
during the abuse, and this led to feeling pleasure.
4) Remember it was the perpetrator who should
have respected the boundaries, you were too young and too immature to do so. No
matter how much he may have loved you, he was wrong in making it or allowing it to happen,
even if you were the one making the advances!!!
Some
survivors take the position that regardless of how they learned what they
learned about their body and their sexuality they are going to enjoy it without
guilt, because this knowledge is about them and their body, not the
perpetrator. Even if they learned some of those things from what the
perpetrator did, that doesn’t mean that the perpetrator “owns” those things.
They are the only ones who can own their body’s responses and sexuality.
It also
helps to feel compassion for yourself, for other survivors and even for
abusers. Compassion help you to let go of judgement, and to see yourself as the
innocent child you were.
Some
survivors find that feeling shame about having sexual feelings prevents them
from fully processing their memories. As soon as they remember and feel sexual
feelings, they distance themselves from the memory and can’t go any further
with it. They’re stuck there, unable to release their emotions or fully process
the memory.
When they
released some shame and could think about the whole incident(s) by writing the
memory out or telling someone their story, they were able to step back and see
the situation with a new perspective and understanding. That
process helped them to accept what happened and feel at peace with themselves.
How you
feel about having sexual feelings during the abuse (as well as when you
remember the abuse and/or read about sexual abuse) has a direct impact on how
you view the abuse and yourself, and what you think about the abuse affects how
you feel, which is why it’s important to work on releasing feelings and
investigate your thoughts and memories.
Some
survivors need to think a lot about it first, and others need to feel their
feelings first. If you’re stuck in one mode, try the other mode. For example if
you’re stuck in the thinking mode, let yourself feel what you felt –then and
now – without judgement. Your feelings will pass, in time, and that alone will
help you to think about yourself with more objectivity and less judgement.
Some
survivors are terrified to tell any one including their therapist that when
they remember and talk about sexual abuse they feel sexual feelings in their
body just as they feel other feelings and body sensations. They are afraid of
being viewed as sexually inappropriate, attracted to the therapist or friend,
or turned on by sexual abuse i.e. a perpetrator. Many survivors will also feel
sexual feelings in their body when they see children or read books about sexual
abuse because there is a learned association between these things. This does
not mean the survivor is attracted to children nor their therapists. It means that
they are having body memories and the feelings need to be seen as such in order
to be processed and released. Telling your therapist, or acknowledging to
yourself, that you are having sexual feelings while remembering or talking
about the abuse will help to release those feelings. Sharing this information
in a context of support and understanding is healing.
THE ABUSER
IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ABUSE – REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU FELT
No matter
how you felt during the abuse or feel now, you are not responsible for the
abuse. Even if you felt some pleasure or enjoyment; or you wanted some aspects
to continue; or you were sexually attracted to the abuser; or you sought the
abuser out, the abuser is always responsible for the abuse and not the child.
Think about it this way: if a child sought you out for sexual stimulation,
would you do it?
It helps to
heal by acknowledging how you truly felt and how your body responded, to think
about positive ways of interpreting those responses, to not judge yourself, to
place the responsibility for the abuse on the abuser, and to view your body
separately from the abuse and the abuse. Other things you can do to feel more
comfortable with your body and sex include: being gentle with your body;
holding and massaging emotionally charged areas with your hand and having a
partner hold and massage the area as well (this will help the area to let go of
some of the emotional charge – the feelings associated with the abuse); gently
stroking any area of your body that defends, tightens, numbs, or otherwise
reacts to sexual touch; taking sex slowly and stopping when you need to;
breathing; laughing; and having fun with sex, touch, and holding. You are meant
to – and can – enjoy your body and all of its beautiful sensations during sex.
IT’S POSSIBLE
TO HEAL
Experiencing
sexual feelings during abuse or while remembering or talking about sexual abuse
is not something anyone should have to feel guilty about. Children feel what
they feel during abuse, including sexual feelings, and there is nothing wrong
with that. For some survivors the fact that they felt sexually aroused in an
abuse context is embarrassing or shameful to admit but the more survivors – in
fact, all of us – talk about this issue, the easier and less shameful it
becomes. When we talk openly about something, we take away its power or
emotional charge.
Survivors
reduce the emotional charge, connected to this issue, by
talking/writing/drawing about it; not listening to anyone who tells them how
they “should” feel; acknowledging and accepting how they felt and feel;
recognizing that none of their feelings make them crazy or bad, or like the
abuser; and by fostering compassion and understanding for themselves and their
body. It’s possible to feel better about this issue – one tiny step at a time.
This
article is an adaptation of an article by Dr. Kali Munro: Munro, Kali
2004. Sexual Feelings during abuse. Downloaded on 2 July 2013 from http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/sexual-emotional-abuse/sexual-feelings-during-abuse
With insights
from:
Herman,
Judith Lewis 1997. Trauma and Recovery.
London: Pandora.
Chapman, Alexander L. & Kim L. Gratz 2007. The
Borderline Personality Disorder Survival Guide. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
vrijdag 4 juni 2010
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